Know your ass for better sex
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Because I know for sure that knowledge can help us have a better sex life.
Adapted from GMFA and SFAF on 8 July 2019 by Dr. Love, updated 25 February 2024
KNOW YOUR ASS FOR BETTER SEX
Because I know and believe that knowledge can help us have a better sex life. Knowing how our bodies work – what can happen when we have sex, how to look after our bodies and how to keep them working – can help us enjoy (anal) sex more.
Hold on a sec, when I am talking about anal sex it's not limited to only anal sex between men who have sex with men, I am also talking about adventurous straight men who simply have their minds open and don't mind trying or playing with girls or transgender girls. Yes, some straight men do enjoy anal sex!!! get used to it! So let's start our lesson.
Being informed about your anatomy—knowing where things are located in your body—is an important first step for anyone having anal sex.
During anal sex, the penis (or dildo, or fisting, or whatever) is inserted into the anus, past the external and internal sphincter muscles, and into the rectum. The rectum is connected to the sigmoid colon, which is where poop is collected and stored by your body before you are ready to take a poop.
It can take 2-10 hours until it fills up and you have to defecate. That means there’s quite a bit of time in between when you eat and when your colon fills (although there are several factors that may affect this).
Practising Anal sex and Anal Fisting is all about how well you control the Anus’s sphincter muscles and their stretching. Your muscles will not progress unless you prepare them and give them bigger resistors from time to time. The same goes for fisting, the anus sphincter stretching exercises are the main sources to help them properly stretch.
Relaxation is one of the most important things for the Anal Stretching process to enjoy. The anal stretching process is not meant to happen. If it hurts, it most likely means that something’s is being done wrong. Too fast, going too deep too soon, being too dry or without sufficient previous stretching and all these reasons are the most common causes of pain.
So, There are certain physical and psychological obstacles that must be overcome before your body is in place to receive the toys, the fist and for Anal Fisting to become enjoyable and experience the pleasure. Is it the time to learn more? See all of this detailed information and learn
External Sphincter
This external sphincter is a muscle that holds the anal canal in a round shape. It stops the pooping when you don't want to and can stop things from getting up your arse too (if you squeeze it). There are lots of nerves within your external sphincter so it can feel sensations of hot and cold, expansion and touch. This muscle is controlled by the central nervous system, the same system that controls the voluntary movement of our fingers and toes, etc. This means that we can learn to tense and relax this muscle at will (most people can clench). The external and internal sphincters (your butt hole) need to stretch open, or relax, to allow entry. You can control your external sphincter (skeletal muscle) consciously. When people experience pain during anal sex, a simplified reason may be that the external sphincter is not relaxed before their partner’s penis goes in. The illustration below shows where the external sphincter lies within the arse.
Internal Sphincter
The internal sphincter shares the same functions as the external sphincter – to prevent any unwanted entry or exit and to hold the anal canal in shape. This muscle is controlled by the autonomic nervous system, the system responsible for controlling blood pressure, respiration rate and other 'bodily functions'. This makes it harder, although not impossible, to learn how to control this muscle. The internal sphincter (smooth muscle) is not under voluntary control and may need some additional coaxing to relax. This is one difference between a smooth muscle versus a skeletal muscle.
Nerve Endings
Nerve endings produce sensations through light touch or pressure by transmitting information from an external stimulus to your brain. Around your anus, many nerve endings can produce pleasure (or pain).
Foreplay can help you begin enjoying the sensations around your anus, and also help to relax your sphincter.
Try this exercise at home: When you’re alone or with a partner, use a light touch or feathering around your anus to help relax. Use different types of touch, and different types of pressure, and explore what feels good. Keep going for as long as you enjoy it.
Some people can be overly sensitive around their anus and can benefit from desensitization exercises. To help desensitize, apply deep, broad pressure (a flat hand) around your anus to help calm your nerve endings down first. Then lighten up the touch, like above, and see if you can ease your mind and learn to enjoy the touch around your anus.
Anal Canal
This short tube-like canal is the final passageway in the passing of shit. The area provides some lubricant to ease the passage of the shit. The outer two-thirds of the anal canal, the part you can see when you spread a guy's arse open, is sensitive to touch, temperature and pressure. The inner third – the part that changes from flesh colour to bright reddish pink colour as you spread the arsehole open – is less sensitive to touch, but very sensitive to pressure. The whole of the anal canal is made up of folds of soft smooth tissue that give it a great capacity for expansion. The outer two-thirds are made up of the same soft sensitive tissue visible at the opening. The inner third, the reddish-pink bit, is a mucous membrane. This absorbs fluids into your bloodstream. If the outer layer of the mucous membrane is disturbed (by douching, dildos, or even just from fucking) it makes the arse more vulnerable to infections like HIV. At the top of the canal are the 'anal sinuses' that are responsible for producing the snot-like lubricant or anal mucus that occurs naturally in your arse. Research indicates that anal mucus is the body fluid that can have the highest concentration of HIV. The illustration below shows where the anal canal is inside your arse.
Anal Pillows
There are three anal pillows attached to the internal sphincter muscle which run the short length of the anal canal. The anal pillows inflate with blood to prevent shit from coming out of your arse, when you don't want it to, and to prevent things going up your arse too. They need to partially drain to allow you to shit (or allow anything in). They do this by responding to signals transmitted from the brain. You can feel sharp stabbing pains when the pillows aren't drained and you are trying to shit (especially if you strain too hard) or get fucked (or stick something up your arse). The veins that supply the blood to the pillows are the ones that can become piles, which are also known as haemorrhoids. It's these pillows that place large quantities of blood in your arse and account for the blood found during or following anal sex. It's this blood you can see on toilet tissue after you have been fucked or passed a particularly large or hard stool. The anal pillows are shown in the illustration below.
Rectum
This is the last section of the intestines which, along with the colon above it, absorbs excess water from your shit. The further away from your stomach the waste matter in your intestines is, the drier it gets. When you have diarrhoea and you pass watery shit, this is because your body shuts down the absorbing function in response to the infection it thinks is in the contents of your bowels or the water. The rectum only contains shit when your bowel is full. So a good dump before you get fucked should be all you need to do to be clean up there and significantly reduce the chances of some unpleasant mess. This part of your arse is like a sponge as it is so absorbent. When a man ejaculates (cums) inside the rectum, the semen is absorbed directly through the wall of the rectum so that any virus in his cum, such as HIV, has an easy route into the bloodstream. Research suggests that there are some differences in the cells that make up the lining of the rectum compared with those that line the anal canal. These differences make it easier for the lining of the rectum to be disturbed or damaged and so it may be more susceptible to infections.
The rectum contains relatively few nerve endings and is therefore less sensitive. In general it transmits mostly sensations of pressure. As it is the continuation of the anal canal, the rectum is another tube-like structure of between five and nine inches long, made of loose folds of soft smooth tissue. It's worth remembering that the average length of a British cock when erect is between five and six inches, so most cocks only get as far as your rectum. Normally the rectum is more open and spacious than the anal canal but also shares its capacity for expansion.
While the rectum is tube-like, it's not a straight tube. Instead, it has two curves along its length. The lower rectum tilts forwards towards the navel (caused by the pubo-rectal sling), and after a few inches, curves in the opposite direction towards the backbone. The second curve is usually more 'adaptable' than the first and is rarely a source of discomfort. The pressure sensation in here, when shit is present, sends the message to your brain that you need to empty your bowels, which is why having a cock up there can make you feel like you need a shit. When you have a cock or a toy in your rectum and you feel like you need to shit, try reminding yourself that your brain is getting this message because your arse is full of cock.
Chemicals or spermicidal lubricants, such as nonoxynol-9, easily irritate the lining of the rectum. This can cause chafing where the lining of the rectum dries up and starts to peel, similar to the way your skin peels after sunburn, causing it to become itchy and very unpleasant. This can remove layers of cells from the lining of your arse making it more vulnerable to infection. In the illustration below you can see where the rectum is inside the arse.
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Rectal Muscle Coat
These are the muscles that support the entire length of the rectum. They tighten in stages along the length to move shit through the rectum and out into the world. This process of muscle contractions used to propel the shit down is called peristalsis. That's the same process that snakes use to propel their food through their bodies – muscles constrict and expand to push food down through the intestines.
The only sensations that the rectal muscle coat responds to are pressure and bulk. Some men say they can feel it when a man cums inside their arse, but physiologically that's not possible. It's probably the cock spasms as the man ejaculates that they can feel against the sphincter, or the cum as it dribbles out of the arse across the sphincters, which are responsive to temperature, touch, and movement.
The tension level of these muscles varies from person to person. Rectal muscles are not as powerful as the anal sphincters, but if they are tense the insertion of anything can be painful. The rectal muscle coat is marked in the illustration below.
Pubo-rectal Sling
This is a strong supportive muscle that creates the first curve in the rectum. It's one of the most powerful muscles in the body after the tongue. The muscle responds to pressure or poking by clamping down to close the rectum and this can prove painful when getting fucked, fingered or toyed with. It's when a cock stabs this that you get that 'whoa get the fuck out of me' sensation. Straightening out the rectum a bit by adopting a position where the knees are drawn up will help avoid this. Try squatting down over the cock, lying on your back or your side with your knees drawn up to your chest, or on your knees bringing your chest as close to the bed/floor as you can. You can see the pubo-rectal sling in the illustration below.
The Pelvic Floor
The term “pelvic floor” is most often used when speaking with women about issues related to pregnancy. Everyone has a pelvic floor, however, and it is intricately linked with how you pee, how you poop, your “core stability,” and erectile function (for people with a penis). The pelvic floor itself refers to the muscles that support the organs in the pelvis.
Will most people feel the muscles in the pelvic floor? Not likely. But just as you feel the motion of your knee extending (this sense of your body moving is called kinesthetic awareness or proprioception) and can identify your quadriceps performing that motion, you can become aware of the muscles of the pelvic floor.
The pelvic floor has 3 states of motion: neutral, contracted or lifted (often known as a Kegel), and bearing down. These are also associated with different states of mind: very relaxed, normal day-to-day, and high stress or anxiety.
When preparing for anal sex and bottoming, it’s best to be relaxed—and to also begin to play with constriction, relaxation, and bearing down with the pelvic floor muscles.
The Shape of Your Rectum
Your rectum isn’t a straight tube—there’s a bend in your rectum called the “anorectal angle.” Imagine for a minute a long balloon that is twisted at a 90-degree angle about 10 centimeters from the end of it. This is the shape of your rectum, that allows poop to be held back until you’re ready to go to the bathroom.
During anal sex, it’s best if the anorectal angle relaxes slightly so that the rectum becomes more linear. Help make this happen by using your pelvic floor muscles to bear down during sex.
Your rectum: Is there poop in it?
One thing people assume is that there is feces (poop) just inside their internal sphincter (their butt hole) in their rectum. Generally, this is false! Your poop is stored in your colon until you’re ready to use the bathroom. When you’re sitting on a toilet, poop travels from your colon through the rectum and out your anus. Some people still prefer to douche their rectum before anal sex (more on this later), but you should know that even if you don’t douche there may not be any poop (depending on the consistency) in your rectum.
If you’re going to be having anal sex, I think it’s important to be comfortable with the idea that yes, shit, comes out of your butt. If you’re afraid of that idea, you can stick with oral sex or you can work on getting comfortable with the idea that it might happen. If you’re overly worried about poop showing up during sex, you’re going to shock your system into an anxiety-ridden state that can negatively affect the sex you’re having (I know this because it used to happen to me).
We're All Different
Keep in mind that our bodies are all built differently. It’s very common for a practitioner to see minor variations in anatomy without blinking an eye. IT IS NORMAL. My anus is in a slightly different position than yours. My prostate angle is different than the guy to my right. My flexibility is different than the person to my left. You get the picture. This means that we all may enjoy slightly (or vastly) different sex positions and ways of bottoming. Cookie-cutter sex doesn’t always work. Be willing to communicate and try different positions with your partner until you figure out how to enjoy it together.
Prostate Gland
The prostate gland produces fluids that are added to cum and, because it surrounds the urethra, it also helps control the flow of piss. A lot of the pleasure we can feel when getting fucked comes from the cock rubbing against the prostate, and for this reason, it is often referred to as the male g-spot. Here's how to find your partner's prostate:
Get your man to lie on his back with his legs drawn right up, and his knees held to his chest. Lubricate his arse, and then insert a well-lubricated middle finger into the arsehole. As the finger goes in, curl it up so that the tip of the finger is hooking up and pointing behind the pelvis towards the cock. The prostate is there about an inch and a half in. It feels warm, rubbery, and smooth. Flick or run the tip of your finger crossways against the prostate. This usually gives the owner sensations of intense pleasure. You can see the prostate's gland position in the illustration below.
Sigmoid Colon/Anal Fold
This is the collection place for shit before it passes through the rectum into the anal canal and on into the world. The nerve endings here are similar to those in the rectum, responding only to sensations of pressure. It's also able to expand to larger than its normal size. When a cock, or something similar, is put up your arse, usually only the anal canal and the rectum are involved. However dicks, dildos, or anything longer than nine or ten inches may pass through the rectum into the lower colon. This usually occurs without difficulty, as the muscles tend to relax at the same time as the other anal and rectal muscles. The sigmoid colon/anal fold can be seen in the following illustration.
Your State of Mind
Our anal control consists of both voluntary and involuntary muscles. If you’re afraid, anxious, worried, or fearful, your sympathetic (“fight or flight”) nervous system takes over—which can result in a very negative experience your body will remember.
This is why it’s important to take time to relax, prepare yourself, and get into the right frame of mind so that you’ll enjoy the sex you have.
Getting Ready for Entry
Now that we’ve covered our anatomy, let’s talk about getting into position and getting ready to bottom.
Some people like to douche before anal sex. It usually takes several hours for food to migrate into the lower bowels, so don’t worry if you’ve eaten just before you want to douche. Unless you have an irritable bowel, food won’t be coming out too soon. Keep in mind that caffeine and foods high in fiber can accelerate mobility to the lower bowels, though. Leave some time before sex (maybe an hour) if you’re going to douche.
We’ve already talked about relaxation. The mind-body connection is vital in creating positive experiences, so being aware of what state your mind is in will express how your body reacts. It’s best if you are fully relaxed—and that includes your anus. Taking deep breaths can help, but mostly, trust with your partner is paramount.
Placing some lubrication around the external sphincter can reduce the risk of tearing. (Tearing can increase risk of HIV and STI transmission.) Lube can also help with comfort!
As your top begins inserting, bear down. What, what?!
That’s right. Push out as your top pushes in. When you bear down through your pelvis without tightening your external sphincter (this is where the pelvic floor muscle control comes into play), it will allow your anorectal angle to be more linear because your pelvic floor muscles will be relaxed. If your partner has a bigger or thicker penis or dildo, continue bearing down until you feel comfortable. Bearing down allows the muscles to elongate and adapt to changing sizes. The top will feel less resistance and it will be easier for them to enter you.
The rest is easy as long as it’s enjoyable. Stay relaxed and enjoy the ride the best you can!
Change positions as much (or as little) as you’d like. Remember, you now know how to control your external sphincter muscles and your pelvic floor muscles, so you can control the pressure around your partner’s penis at any time. What I mean by this, is that you can constrict their penis and apply pressure from within (at the internal sphincter with a light Kegal) and also more near the base (via the external sphincter with a firmer Kegal). Vary the tempo and duration of the contraction as he penetrates you and sex can be elevated to a new experience!
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