What is “side” fun?

We are now more open about the diversity of sexuality. Many people are freer to be themselves, which is why we might see a greater variety of identities in public.

Don't like to top? Don't want to bottom?

We often identify as either a "top" or a "bottom" based on our roles during sex. Tops are the ones penetrating, and bottoms are the ones being penetrated. However, many people feel they don’t resonate with these terms. What if there were a word to describe people who don’t enjoy either topping or bottoming?

In recent years, the term "side" has gained popularity. It was coined by Dr. Joe Kort, an American sex therapist who also identified as a side. He first used this term in an article discussing sexual orientation that isn’t confined to the traditional roles of tops and bottoms. The term "side" is used to describe gay men who don't engage in sexual activities involving penetration.

Sides prefer other types of sexual activities, such as blowjobs, kissing, handjobs, mutual masturbation, and anything else that does not involve penetration. Some people might occasionally top or bottom, but don’t consider it essential for sex.

Identifying as a top or bottom is more than just sexual orientation

The terms "top" and "bottom" might seem like simple labels for who is penetrating and who is being penetrated. However, research into sexual behavior reveals that these roles are often tied to perceptions of masculinity and femininity. Many people assume that gay men who exhibit masculine traits are tops, while those with feminine traits are bottoms.

This stereotype has been debated for a long time. In reality, tops don’t need to present themselves as masculine, and bottoms don’t need to be feminine. Applying the idea of "man and woman" roles to queer people is called heteronormativity. This concept can create unrealistic expectations for gay couples and strain relationships. In sex or relationships, you don’t need to fit into either a "man" or "woman" role—you can simply be yourself.

Side men, who don’t fit into the boxes of "man" (top) or "woman" (bottom), might question whether they’re "manly" enough if they don’t enjoy topping. However, side men are no less masculine than tops or more feminine than bottoms simply because they don’t enjoy either role. As society becomes more open, the notion that you must be either a top or a bottom might not be diverse enough anymore.

Sex doesn’t have to mean penetration

Some people believe that to "truly" have sex, penetration must be involved. While penetrative sex is one of the most common sexual activities, this way of thinking can be harmful to your sex life. It can lead to dissatisfaction due to unrealistic expectations.

Many men might not realize that there’s a term that describes their sexual preferences, and there are many others like them. As a result, some gay men may experience unsatisfying sex lives. Penetrative sex shouldn’t be a standard, and you shouldn’t feel pressured to engage in it as a top or bottom. Dissatisfaction and pressure to have penetrative sex can lead to mental health issues and stress, affecting relationships.

You don’t have to enjoy penetrative sex—or even sex in general—to prove your manhood. Enjoying side activities more than other types of sex doesn’t make you any less of a man. Sexual preferences don’t define everything about you. Sex is just one aspect of life, and there are other parts that may be more important to you. There is no "correct" way to have sex. Remember, sex is supposed to be fun—don’t take it too seriously!

Some men may suffer from erectile dysfunction (ED) or be recovering from it, which can diminish their enjoyment of penetration. Others may prefer touching and kissing over penetration, or they might only enjoy blowjobs and handjobs. Some men simply don’t like penetrative sex for no particular reason. There are many reasons why someone might be a side and not enjoy penetrative sex as much as they think they should. This is completely normal. Being a side doesn’t make you different; it just means you have a specific preference when it comes to your sexual expectations.

Boundaries are sexy (and important)

Boundaries in your sex life are crucial for ensuring a positive experience for both you and your partners. Everyone has preferences, and finding common ground with your sexual partners can help establish boundaries around what to expect. This mutual understanding can enhance your sex life by allowing you to explore each other’s kinks and fantasies while knowing what to avoid. For side men, a clear boundary might be a dislike for penetration. Respecting that boundary and not pressuring them to do something they don’t want to do can make the experience more enjoyable for everyone. Conversely, if penetration is important to you, setting a clear boundary will help you achieve your desired sexual experience. Boundaries are essential for a fulfilling sex life, as they help you find the pleasure you’re looking for.

Boundaries can vary from person to person based on their experiences and preferences. Your boundaries don’t need to be the same for all your sexual partners. You might prefer unprotected sex with one partner but prefer condoms with another. This is perfectly normal. Your partner might enjoy passionate sex with you but expect wild BDSM sessions with someone else. The important thing is to know what you and your partner like, which can improve your sex life by making both of you feel good.

Not liking sex at all is normal

Some men may feel different because they don’t like penetrative sex. Society might expect you to be a top, bottom, or versatile, but we believe that not liking any of these roles is perfectly normal. This doesn’t mean you have deep-rooted trauma. Even not liking sex at all is normal. Everyone can define their own expectations for relationships. The world is full of things we might not fully understand, but being aware of them can help you become a better sexual partner and establish better boundaries.

Being aware of sexual preferences that you might not share can be important. It can make you more open and understanding of yourself. Exploring your sexuality can help you discover what you like and don’t like, which is essential for maximizing your sexual pleasure. We might not fully understand different kinds of sexual activities unless we try them (though it’s okay if you don’t want to). Being aware of them can help you expand your sexual horizons and diversify your sex life by giving you more things to explore.

Non-penetrative sex doesn’t mean no risk of STIs

Many people still misunderstand STI transmission. Non-penetrative sex doesn’t mean no risk of STIs. STIs can be transmitted through touch, kissing, and oral sex. You should always be mindful that any type of sexual activity carries some risk. While non-penetrative sex may have a lower risk compared to sexual intercourse, certain STIs can still be transmitted through contact with private areas.

• HPV
• Herpes (HSV)
• Syphilis
• Chancroid

Some STIs can also be transmitted through the exchange of bodily fluids during oral sex and kissing, such as:

• Oral Gonorrhea
• Oral Chlamydia
• Hepatitis A 
• Hepatitis B

DoxyPEP to reduce your risk of bacterial STIs, such as Gonorrhea, Chlamydia and Syphilis. Don’t forget that any form of sexual activity can carry some risk of STIs.

If you’re concerned about STIs, don’t hesitate to get tested and consult with sexual health professionals. Contact us today to learn more about STI prevention or book an appointment with our team of doctors at PULSE Clinic near you!