Herpes and Sex, Dating, Relationship.

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When we first discover to have contracted herpes, our main concern may be how the condition is going to affect our future relationships

Herpes and Sex, Dating, Relationship.

Written by Dr.Deyn Natthakhet Yaemim, 24 March 2018

Medically Reviewed and updated by Dr.Deyn Natthakhet Yaemim, 1 June 2021

 

Herpes and Sex, Dating, Relationship.

When an individual first discovers he or she has contracted herpes, their main concern may be how the condition is going to affect their relationships now or in the future. The good news for sufferers is that herpes is not incompatible with romantic relationships nor does it have to stop infected individuals from enjoying a healthy sex life.

Having a Relationship

Although herpes can cause problems, one of those does not have to involve intimate relationships. Some people who contract the virus worry about how they will be perceived by future partners because they have herpes. They may assume that they will be viewed as promiscuous, for example.

However, 60 million individuals currently suffer from genital herpes, according to the Kaiser Family Foundation, so the infection is actually quite common and can be passed onto a partner even during the first intimate encounter.

The important part of having a successful relationship even when one partner has been infected with herpes is honesty. The infected partner needs to be honest about the condition so that the other partner can protect himself/herself as necessary.

What do I do if I find out I have herpes?

It’s normal to have lots of different feelings after you find out that you have herpes. You might feel mad, embarrassed, ashamed, or upset at first. But you’ll probably feel a lot better as time goes by, and you see that having herpes doesn’t have to be a big deal. People with herpes have relationships and live totally normal lives. There are treatments for herpes, and there’s a lot you can do to make sure you don’t give herpes to anyone you have sex with.

Millions and millions of people have herpes — you’re definitely not alone. Most people get at least one STD in their lifetime, and having herpes or another STD is nothing to feel ashamed of or embarrassed about.  It doesn’t mean you’re “dirty” or a bad person — it means you’re a normal human who got a really common infection. The reality is that herpes can happen to anybody who has ever been kissed on the lips or had sex — that’s a LOT of people.

Herpes isn’t deadly and it usually doesn’t cause any serious health problems. While herpes outbreaks can be annoying and painful, the first flare-up is usually the worst. For many people, outbreaks happen less over time and may eventually stop completely. Even though the virus hangs around in your body for life, it doesn’t mean you’ll be getting sores all the time.

The best thing to do when you find out you have herpes is follow your doctor’s directions for treating it. If you’re having a hard time dealing with the news, talking with a close friend or a support group for people living with herpes may make you feel better.

And tell anyone you have sex with that you have herpes. It’s not the easiest conversation, but it’s an important one.

Preventing the Spreading of the Virus

Even when both partners are aware of the potential risk, the knowledge is not enough to prevent transmission of the virus. First, condoms should always be used during intimate contact, including oral, vaginal, and anal penetration. Although not full-proof, the condom can form a barrier to reduce the risk of transmission when direct contact occurs.

Additionally, a medication intended to suppress outbreaks of the virus, such as Valtrex, can be part of a daily treatment for herpes that can help reduce the risk of spreading the disease.

With treatment and safe sex practices, romantic partners can reduce their risk. However, other steps can reduce that risk even further.

Partners should not engage in intimate contact when the infected partner is showing signs of an outbreak, including blisters and open sores. Although symptoms do not have to be present for transmission to occur, it can increase the likelihood of that occurring. Also, partners who have cold sores on their mouths should not kiss or perform oral sex on their partners either.

Being diagnosed with herpes does not have to be the end to a person’s romantic future. With honesty and precautions, couples can continue to enjoy their intimate moments without constantly worrying about the threat of passing on the virus to their partners

How do I talk with people about having herpes?

It might feel scary to admit you have herpes, but talking about things can really ease your mind. You could lean on a close, non-judgmental friend that you trust to keep the conversation private. Parents, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, and other family members can also be a source of comfort. Remember, herpes is really common, so it’s possible the person you’re talking to has herpes, too.

* Prescription products require an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate.
* Risks of this medication can include flushing, headache, nausea, dizziness, chest or arm pain and in rare cases, changes in vision or loss of sight. Seek emergency care right away if you have an erection that lasts longer than 4 hours or becomes painful. Do not drink alcohol to excess (e.g. 5 drinks) when taking this medicine.
* This page has been medically reviewed and updated on 31 March 2021 by Natthakhet Yaemim, MD.

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What do I need to know about dating with herpes?

Some people feel like their love lives are over when they find out they have herpes, but it’s just not true. People with herpes have romantic and sexual relationships with each other, or with partners who don’t have herpes.

Talking about STDs isn’t the most fun conversation you’ll ever have. But it’s super important to always tell partners if you have herpes, so you can help prevent it from spreading.

There’s no one way to talk about having an STD, but here are some tips that may help:

  1. Keep calm and carry on. Millions of people have herpes, and plenty of them are in relationships. For most couples, herpes isn’t a huge deal. Try to go into the conversation with a calm, positive attitude. Having herpes is simply a health issue — it doesn’t say anything about you as a person.

  2. Make it a two-way conversation. Remember that STDs are super common, so who knows? Your partner might have herpes too. So start by asking if they’ve ever been tested or had an STD before.

  3. Know your facts. There’s a lot of misinformation about herpes out there, so read up on the facts and be prepared to set the record straight. Let your partner know there are ways to treat herpes and avoid passing it on during sex.

  4. Think about timing. Pick a time when you won’t be distracted or interrupted, and a place that’s private and relaxed. If you’re nervous, you can talk it through with a friend first, or practice by talking to yourself. It sounds silly, but saying the words out loud can help you know what you want to say and feel more confident when you talk to your partner.

Dating With Herpes

Learning you have genital herpes can be devastating. That's particularly true when your love life is in flux. When someone is first diagnosed, the thought of dating with herpes can fill them with horrible anxiety. They may wonder if they will ever find love again. Why is dating with herpes so stressful? After herpes diagnosis, people may worry about being judged. They may be scared they could spread herpes to their partners. They may simply be terrified about how they are going to face the world. Fortunately, it turns out that most of the time dating with herpes isn't nearly as scary as worrying about it. Because...

Herpes Is Common

People often worry that friends and future partners will judge them if they find out they have herpes. Truthfully, sometimes that happens. People can be quite cruel to someone after herpes diagnosis. However, they're just as, if not more, likely to be kind.

The truth is that herpes is extremely common. Genital herpes affects one in six people ages 14 to 49.1

Because of how common it is, most people already know one or more people with herpes. They may even have it themselves. By and large, no matter how "icky" you may think a disease is, it's hard to be judgmental towards someone you love if you find out they have it.

As for potential partners, if they start getting mean, you might want to ask them if they've been tested. If they haven't, they may have the virus and not know about it.

When people realize how common herpes is, how often people don't have symptoms, and that they could be infected without knowing it—it makes them much less likely to throw shade.

You Are Not Your Disease

The next trick is not judging yourself. After you've been diagnosed with herpes, it may be difficult to think about anything other than the fact that you have a disease. But that's all it is—a disease. It isn't who you are.

One of the toughest things to remember when dating with herpes is that mostly it's just dating. Dating is an activity fraught with the potential for drama, pain, and heartbreak for pretty much everyone. Herpes is just one factor in the equation.

With few exceptions, people don't date solely because they want to have sex. They date because they like each other and find each other interesting and attractive. When those other things are true, a herpes diagnosis often doesn't seem like that big a deal.

If you like someone enough, herpes can be just something you have to work with. Just like you have to work with a partner's snoring or their affection for mornings.

When Your Partner Has Herpes

What do you do if it's not you with herpes but your partner? Hearing the news may throw you for a bit of a loop. If you're worried or upset, that's understandable. However, try not to take it out on the person who told you. Being open and honest about a herpes diagnosis isn't an easy thing to do.

It's quite possible you've already dated people who had the virus. You may already have it yourself. The majority of people with herpes have no idea they are infected.

It's your choice whether you want to keep dating someone after learning of their herpes diagnosis. Dating someone who knows they're infected, at least gives you the option of intentionally managing your risk.

The Right Person Won't Reject You Because You Have Herpes

The truth is, some people will reject you when they find out you have herpes. To quote a herpes support forum poster, "dating with herpes can be stressful." However, if you do these things, then being diagnosed with herpes is not the end of the world:

  • Talk about your diagnosis early
  • Have information handy so that you can talk honestly about the actual risks and concerns of the disease
  • Be willing to do what you can to reduce the chance you will spread herpes to your partner

Numerous people with genital and oral herpes are open about disclosing their condition. Most of them have active, happy dating and sexual lives. The truth is, it's so hard to meet the right person that dating with herpes makes it only the tiniest bit harder. Life after herpes doesn't mean life without love.

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. The information contained herein is not a substitute for and should never be relied upon for professional medical advice. Always talk to your doctor about the risks and benefits of any treatment.

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